The Truth About Humpty
WARNING: Children should not read beyond this point.
Humpty Dumpty did not fall; nor was he pushed. He committed suicide.
The life of an egg is not an easy one. Humpty was obese and no stranger to ridicule. The kingdom's children were often merciless in taunting him. "Artery Clogger" and "Fat Fuck" were common jeers, and kids frequently murdered his friends in frying pans, purely for the "this is your brain on drugs" comedy bit, a sobering reminder of how disposable his kind truly were.
Humpty often climbed atop the kingdom's wall to sit and reflect on his miserable existence. Earlier in the year, his wife had run off with a handsome onion, though they later met their demise, dying a romantic death as ingredients in a cheese omelette. Humpty always wished it had been him instead. Looking down at the welcome cobblestones below, Humpty finished his last cigarette and voluntarily plunged to his death.
There was little hope for a rescue as much of the medical assistance came from all the king's horses... yes, horses, I say. Health care was certainly lacking in the previous centuries and Humpty had seen many of his fellow eggs crushed to death under clumsy hooves while horses "helped" during medical emergencies.
Is it no wonder Humpty ended it all? There was no sunny side up. Scrambled was the only option.
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